It seems pretty clear to me that I’m developing somewhat of a pattern when it comes to this blog. Certainly not the consistency that I was hoping for when I first started but it does seem that my posts revolve around periods of deep introspection. Fair warning, this is very much free form writing and what you see here is exactly as it came out of my head.
Introspection. Its a funny thing. Something that is extremely good for us, “Know Thyself” as the ancient Greek aphorism goes. It’s had many different uses over the centuries but I typically use it in the sense of understanding your deepest self; your motives, desires, virtues, and vices. Yet many people fear getting to know themselves too intimately. Why? Because it’s uncomfortable and you may just find something that you don’t like! In fact I would hope that you do! We aren’t perfect beings and the whole purpose of introspection is understanding, and how can we understand where we are going if we are too afraid to see where we’ve been?!
Much of my introspective moments seem to revolve around the subject of love. Something that has the power to build or destroy empires. It’s fickle in that way isn’t it? Love can be sweet one moment where everything is sunshine and rainbows and it can turn right around and give us a stern kick in the ass turning those rainbows into dark skies. It’s in this sense that I’ve found that I never truly understand it. Maybe I’m just the perpetual optimist or a dreamer or a hopeless romantic. Don’t get me wrong, I love that about me but in a way I also hate it. I mean I don’t hate myself. Just the fact that I only see the sunshine and rainbows and realism isn’t something in my repertoire when speaking in terms of love. And if you’ve read practically any of my other pieces you’ve probably gathered that I love hard and that love was also lost to me. Again a result of my former self living in the clouds and not seeing what was in front of me.
If you haven’t read anything and this is your first foray into my writing, I apologize. Probably not your best decision. But in a nutshell to catch you up; my vision of love was one of sunshine and rainbows. I would fall in love, get married, have kids and everything would be happily ever after. A love that lasts a lifetime. Like my parent’s had/have, my mother passed away recently but before her tragic loss she and my dad shared 50 wonderful years together. THAT was my vision of love. I thought I had that too. Or the beginning stages at least. I fell in love with a wonderful, beautiful, funny woman. I proposed and thought I’d spend all the rest of my days with her. Which is how the story looked to be going but then those skies turned grey as I put blinders on and refused to see what was truly happening. I blame myself for it falling apart, I mean she had her parts to play but the onus falls on me. Now there was never infidelity or hatred or violence. In fact I don’t think either of us has the ability to do any of that. What there was, was my lack of understanding of myself at the time and to an extent an understanding of her. And so, in my depressed state, I inadvertently ruined our relationship. Love can be fickle right?
Fast forward to today, December 2021 and it’s now been a year and 3 months since my relationship has ended and as of writing this piece on December 15th it is exactly 2 years since I proposed. I’ve certainly spent many months getting to know myself! I mean too little too late for my relationship but an absolute necessity nonetheless. I have developed a greater understanding of my own psychological makeup, I’ve gotten extremely uncomfortable with myself, had wonderful therapy sessions (as an aside; therapy is not a weakness and should never be looked at as such. It is a wonderful way to work through one’s thoughts, tragedies, or traumas), and even sought education and professional credentials in the field of psychology! Since then I have become a certified life coach earning over 100+ credit hours of education including becoming a CBT practitioner! But with all of that introspection, becoming self-aware, putting in hours of self-development, and studying psychology, there is still one thing I don’t understand, LOVE.
Love to me is a once in a lifetime deal. You perform the dance of figuring out what it is you’re looking for by meeting and dating different people and in the process you find what you like and dislike, what you find attractive and eventually you find that person that ticks all of your boxes and you fall in love. Which is what I did. I fell head over heels for my person. And now that it’s over I find myself questioning what I’m supposed to do. Because of my delusions of grandeur I have this vision of what should be but is clearly not. I then find myself performing the dance all over again and in the process I find that no one compares to the one I love. Yes I said it, with all of my being, I love that woman! In every face I meet I see hers. Most would probably say that I’m putting her up on a pedestal but I just don’t think that’s it. Holding someone in that regard means to you they have no flaws. That is not the case for me; I see her flaws, her imperfections, and I love them. Maybe I’m just plain crazy or maybe I’m the kind of crazy that true love is supposed to invoke. They say that the clearest path to insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. For me, given the chance, I would choose her again and again. So if that means I am insane, put me in a straightjacket and lock me away. That to me is what love is! Maybe in its truest form love is insanity. I mean what do you say when you meet someone amazing?! “I’m crazy about them!” Right?! Maybe there is some wisdom there. To love completely you have to be a bit crazy and be perfectly ok with that!
Crazy or not this is my journey and I clearly don’t have it all figured out just yet. But there are a few things that I’ve learned along the way that I am sure of; studying oneself is crucial to our existence and where we fit in this life, love one another because alone we only seem to go around in circles chasing our tail so we need each other, and if you have to be insane to love then I am forever grateful to count myself amongst the crazy ones with my head in the clouds!
And that my dear reader is what it’s like to spend 5 minutes in my head. You’re welcome!
As always….
Takk for at du leste,
Eric
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