It's truly amazing how in the blink of an eye that things can change. One minute you're doing something so completely mundane, like folding laundry while scrolling through Facebook, then that one memory pops up and hits you like a hurricane flipping your world upside down. Today was a difficult enough day as it is, losing a loved one and then trying to celebrate a holiday in their absence is a tough one to say the least. But having a holiday when you've lost someone and then that video comes on to remind you of another kind of loss all together...
I don't understand how people just "move on," I've written about it in the past and yet it still makes no sense to me. A memory reminding me of a post that my ex fiancé made sharing a video that I made with a slideshow of our most beautiful memories for our engagement that played the song "Ever Enough" by A Rocket to the Moon, while expressing her excitement to marry me, brought up a whole flood of emotions. Tears, confusion, anger, all of it replaying as if it were ghosts stuck in time clinging to their last moments. And after all is done I'm left questioning, "why?!"
I think what makes it so difficult is the fact that I hold no ill will toward her, and honestly love her with all of my soul. And that baffles me. You would think that after all this time apart the flame would grow dimmer and eventually fizzle out but it's still sheltered and burning as bright as ever. That's not for a lack of trying either; not in a spiteful way but in a way that one just try's to move on to survive. To find companionship. To not feel so alone. I've put myself out there on dating apps and yet there's always this sense of guilt that I'm not supposed to be there. I know that she's moved on and maybe thoughts of me pop up every once in a while but I just can't get there. And I know that people say "I'm happy for them," and they pretend to mean it but in my case I truly do. I am happy for her that she is doing so incredible, at least I think she is, in my mind she is and I honestly admire her strength. In all of this I find myself asking if I make my head stop spinning, will that make my heart stop too?
Maybe it's the current state of the world that has exacerbated these feelings. I think that the threat of nuclear war would have anyone in their thoughts at the moment. And there is where the worry comes in. I am a natural protector of things that I love and while she is one of the strongest people that I've ever known, I still want to make sure that she's safe. We're not talking though and I guess aside from the pressing need to get these thoughts out of my head, there's a hope that she reads this and knows that I'm hoping she's safe and that if the world were to end in some fiery war that she would still be the one that I'd want want to be with. To kiss her and tell her I loved her and watch as the world goes up in flames. If you find yourselves reading this and thinking that he's crazy, or just plain sad, then I leave you with a quote from How I Met Your Mother,
"If you’re looking for the word that means caring about someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want no matter how much it destroys you, it’s love. And when you love someone you just, you…you don’t stop, ever. Even when people roll their eyes, and call you crazy. Even then. Especially then. You just– you don’t give up. Because if I could just give up…if I could just, you know, take the whole world’s advice and– and move on and find someone else, that wouldn’t be love. That would be… that would be some other disposable thing that is not worth fighting for. But I– that is not what this is."
Call me hopeless. Call me crazy. Call me what you will. All I know is this; Love is the most frustrating, confusing, anger inducing, beautiful, powerful, life changing emotion and I love with all of my being and I have never regretted a single second.
And as always...
Takk for at du leste,
Eric
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